June Kids Konnection Column - Domestic Abuse Does Not Discriminate

Again, i've fallen behind on updating this blog. I've been doing short updates on facebook regularly, though. it's hard to do both and part of the problem is that the kids' computer crashed and it was my old computer and that was the computer on which i had my "email distribution list" for the blog. I haven't had time to create a new email list. So, since i couldn't send out an email telling people that i updated the blog, i just didn't update it. does that make sense? anyway, i'll try to work on creating that new list this weekend.

If you're not on facebook, check it out. So many of us are on there! Even Marlon has joined!

Anyway, the postings on facebook have to be shorter than on here, so i can't post my kids konnection articles on facebook. here is the column from the June issue.... you can read it here, or go to www.ocjewishlife.com to see the "real version." Just scroll down to the bottom row and look for Viewpoing: Kids Konnection or do a search for me by name!

Domestic abuse is one of those topics not easily discussed. Most of us wouldn’t even consider the possibility that Jews could be such victims. But domestic abuse does not discriminate. The Jewish community is not immune and we all know people who are abused, either physically or emotionally, even if we do not realize it. Not all bruises from domestic abuse are visible. Mental and emotional abuse are just as damaging to the body and soul as sexual and physical abuse.
Awareness of domestic abuse in the Jewish Community is ashamedly low. Studies estimate that 15 to 20 % of Jewish women are abused, a rate comparable to that of non-Jewish women. Further, there are no denominational differences – the rate of violence is the same among Orthodox, Conservative and Reform Jews.
Unfortunately, the belief that Jewish men do not abuse their wives has made the situation of abused Jewish wives all the more difficult. Sometimes, women, believing that "Jewish men don’t do that", believe that they are at fault for what happens to them. Moreover, often, especially in closely-knit Jewish communities, women feel that, by complaining about their husbands’ behavior, they are undermining the community value of shalom bayit (domestic harmony or peace in the home). It is a cruel irony that this value is often invoked to deny or cover up the most blatant violations of domestic harmony, creating a sense of guilt for Jewish victims of abuse, causing them to feel responsible for the discord within their lives and families.
Relatives and friends of the victim may close their eyes to what is going on, or they may discount her story (if she tells of abuse) as exaggerated or hysterical. Rabbis may be so blinded by the conventional talk about how wonderful Jewish family life is that they do not recognize cases of abuse. Also, rabbis may find it hard to believe that Jewish men, often respected leaders of the synagogue or community, would behave in such a reprehensible, "unJewish", way. They may also be psychologically naive, and they may counsel people to work out their problems together, not realizing that they are, in fact, thereby advising the abused wife to suffer more abuse.
A few years ago, when I was the chairman of the National Young Leaders Advisory Council for the Orange County area of Hadassah Southern California, I organized a conference on domestic abuse for the Long Beach/Orange County area. As part of the full-day series of speakers and presentations, Israeli actress Naomi Ackerman presented her hour-long powerful monologue called “Flowers Aren’t Enough.” This moving and emotional dramatic presentation tells the story of Michal, a young woman from an upper to middle class Jewish family who finds herself in an abusive relationship. Michal describes how her partner gradually narrows her world and isolates her from her surroundings. We see her denial, her guilt, and how living in the Jewish community intensifies her shame and despair. We witness Michal sink into darkness and then we watch with joy as she takes charge of her life, re-discovers herself and ends the years of being victimized.
Michal’s story is a true story based on the lives and stories of several Israeli women. But not everyone’s story has a happy ending. A recent story is more shocking and illustrates my point that domestic abuse is prevalent everywhere and can have tragic results. There was an orthodox and very religious woman living in Jerusalem. She was a young woman in her early twenties, the daughter of very wealthy, ultra-Orthodox diamond merchants. Her marriage to a brilliant Talmud scholar was arranged by matchmakers, who demanded and received a huge dowry on behalf of the groom, a dowry which included a house, fully furnished, an annual income, a car, and many other gifts from the bride's father. Several years later, this lovely girl took her daughter, a gorgeous, blonde three-year old, to the top of a Tel-Aviv hotel and committed suicide with the child in her arms. This perfectly normal, lovely, deeply religious woman had been pushed to an extreme few of us will ever know by her husband and the society around her. She had been abused by her religious husband, a Talmud scholar, a man presumed to have the highest morals and values. Rather than seek help and bear the “shame” and guilt of being a victim, she felt the situation hopeless enough to take her own life – and that of her daughter’s.
There are many signs that someone is in an abusive relationship. The partner may try to isolate the other from her family and friends or demand that the other spend all her free time with him. The abuser may want to know where the other is at all time and may be impatient or become angry if the other does not follow his advice. Finally, the partner being abused is usually blamed for everything and regularly belittled by the abusive partner. Shouting at another person, demeaning or belittling another person, not to mention striking another person or coercing her to engage in sexual activity against her will, are wrong, even a single time.
When my oldest was in preschool, I had a friend – another mom from the J.C.C. – whose husband was, in my opinion, a real jerk. She had to ask his permission to do anything for herself or her son or to spend any money. He was very critical of her and constantly insulted her in front of other people. During that time, I felt bad for her that she was married to such a loser. But never once did I realize that she was a victim of domestic abuse and that I could – and should – help her seek help. As part of a Jewish community who cares about one another, we should all look out for one another and be aware of domestic abuse in our community, whether it be at school, at synagogue, on sports teams or in our neighborhoods. There are resources available to help people in these situations and we should not stand by silently while someone we know continues to be victimized. “Shalom Bayit” is an important Jewish value – we can all do our part to ensure that it prevails.
If we, ourselves, feel that we are victims of domestic abuse, or if we know someone who we believe is a victim, we can and should seek help immediately. Rabbis are trained to help people in such situations the Jewish Family Services has experience in dealing with cases of domestic abuse and provides an excellent resource to those in need. As evidence of how Jewish organizations are making such resources a priority, recently Hadassah opened a Center at Hadassah Ein-Kerem University Hospital in Jerusalem for the treatment of Sexual Abuse and Domestic Violence. The first of its kind in the Jerusalem area, the new center provides comprehensive multi –disciplinary care in physical as well as emotional treatment to victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence. The interdisciplinary team will include a gynecologist, a nurse and a social worker, who will follow the entire process. This will involve medical aspects, prevention of pregnancy and sexual diseases, documenting for legal purposes, help in the emotional coping, facing reaction of other people and continuation of care within the community.